I tend to find myself in similar situations every time I return to school. Away from school I always find myself surrounded by interesting and caring people. Who want to be a part of my life and actively seek me out for companionship. Where we can go on adventures or simply watch movies on my couch all day, and just be glad of each others company. But when I come to school, its as if I’m just a spectator. I know I’m physically there a human being with thoughts and feelings, but I feel like a piece of furniture. I spend most days and nights with a quiet phone and a quiet life. Don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no problem being alone. I am extraordinarily capable of living and being alone. But I have a difficult time when I feel alone. Even as I write this, alone in a coffee shop, I feel as though I have no importance in the lives of people here.
I understand that I missed a lot here while I was in Europe, but I was only gone 4 months, and it has been 8 months since I’ve been back. They say it takes double as long as the length of your relationship to get over your ex, so how long does it take for them to let me back in their lives? Picking over every detail of my life, I haven’t the slightest idea what I could have done to anger them, so I took being mad off the table. Then I began thinking maybe it was my fault. Not because I did something to make them upset, but because I changed. You learn a lot about yourself when you have to figure out how to get an emergency passport in a foreign country because your friends was stolen on a train. Separated from everything you are familiar with, without family or friends from home, you get a truly hipster introspective view of yourself. You learn what you’re good at, how to communicate with people despite language barriers, who to trust, who to stay away from, that every day is important, that this world is full of incredible things and we would be fools not to explore as much of its as we can. I went from being surrounded by people who felt the same way about the world as I did. Then I came back to school, where nothing had changed. Where people didn’t know the difference between Austria and Australia, and had no idea where Budapest was. It’s not a bad thing to change, but it kind of sucks when you realize that the people you spent four months missing, didn’t know you were gone. So the home that I returned to was not the one I had built up in my head. Which made it harder to break out of my Reverse culture shock shell. The home that cried as I left, seemed even farther away the lonelier I felt. In the past two years I have had to start my life over too many times. Coming home from Europe was when I had the hardest time starting over. Which I believe is one of the purposes of this blog. So as I attempt to once again start over, I don’t forget about all of the experiences and memories I have that have gotten me to the person I am today.